Monday 28th March 2022: Sex and relationships 1: Gender and Sexuality Conference + Poetry + Sex Education for Autistics

Hi everyone!

Two days late, but you know. It’s fine. Also, it’s a massive blog. Look at it.

I’m talking about sex today. Yes, autistic people can have sex, and incredible sex at that. We have sexual desire and we are just as likely as neurotypicals to want, need or desire sex. However, we are far more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ and our gender identity is far more likely to not be cisgender. I am writing this introduction before having watched any of the talks at this year’s Connected By Autism lecture series that was organised by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. A friend of ours was over from France for the first time since the pandemic and we had an amazing time, so I waited to watch the series until, y’know, I could.

For obvious reasons, I am giving this blog a content warning for frank discussions of sex and sexuality throughout. Though I will try to steer clear from abuse, ableism and internalised homophobia will definitely be part of the conversation. Since there will be discussions of sex, maybe don’t read this via LinkedIn, while your boss is watching. I’ll try to be PG13 as much as possible.

Before that, though, please share this with as many people as possible. I am on the Steering Committee of this piece of research. They’re sound like nobody’s business.

RESEARCH ON TREATMENT OF ANXIETY IN ADULTS WITH AN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS (THE STRATA STUDY)

Researchers at the University of Bristol are inviting adults who have a diagnosis of autism and experience anxiety to take part in a research study. The study is called STRATA (SerTRaline for AnxieTy in adults with a diagnosis of Autism). It has been co-produced with experienced clinicians, researchers, and autistic people to investigate the treatment of anxiety in adults with a diagnosis of autism.

You can learn more about what is involved in taking part by reading the Participant Information (https://strata.blogs.bristol.ac.uk/information-about-the-study/ ). Please read the information carefully and feel free to discuss it with family, friends, carers, or others if you wish.
To take part in this study you must:

• be aged 18 years or over
• have a diagnosis of autism (including variations such as Asperger syndrome)
• experience anxiety for which you are willing to try treatment with medication
• be able to complete online or paper questionnaires about things such as your anxiety, other symptoms, and healthcare usage
• be able to provide informed consent to take part

How long does it take?
Participants will be enrolled to the study for up to 52 weeks (1 year), during which time they will be asked to take the study medication as directed, and complete 4 questionnaires (with their time reimbursed with a £10 voucher for each). In addition, there will be 5 brief safety check appointments to discuss how participants are getting on with the medication and carefully monitor any side effects. All study appointments can be done via video or phone call, or in person appointments (any travel expenses reimbursed) can be arranged according to participant preference.

What do I do next?
If you are interested in taking part in the study, please complete the online Expression of Interest form here: https://www.tinyurl.com/STRATAEoI.
Alternatively, if you have any questions or would like further information or assistance, please contact the STRATA team by email: strata-takepart@bristol.ac.uk or phone: (+44)117 428 3001. Thank you.

Conference!

I had the pleasure of attending the Connected By Autism 2022 festival online this weekend. This blog will be a collection of my thoughts after watching nearly all talks, binging it on Sunday. I cleaned the house and even had a bath while listening to it. Don’t worry, it was a very chaste bath. No funny business. I am writing this blog in bed, wearing frilly knickers and being generally attractive. Nothing I can do about that, that’s just me getting through my day.

If you hadn’t considered buying a ticket yet and you don’t want me to give (very minor) spoilers for the speakers and talks in this blog, have a look at Jessica Kingsley’s website and check out their 2022 conference here:

https://connectedbyautism.thinkific.com/

The Talks

The first talk I watched was a conversation with Erin Ekins, from https://queerlyautistic.com/ which was excellent as expected, I’ve already discussed Queerly Autistic the book and you can check out what my thoughts were last year, but I will return to some of her main points later in the blog. I especially found it validating to hear how autistic understanding of sexuality is both fluid and sometimes even dark, especially before we realise that we have sexual attraction to one or many types of person, none at all or a specific individual.

Next, Yenn Purkis and Sam Rose talked about being trans/non-binary and autistic. As a mentor to a young autistic person who’s going through their transition, I’m proud to know that I’m on the right track. It is vital to have a thorough understanding of queer, trans and nb identities when working with autistics, and vital for everyone who cares about queer people to know about autistic identities. Because, y’know, we’re often the same people. To not be aware of both is to miss vast swathes of the autistic experience.

I then saw Rebecca Burgess be interviewed by Sarah Costello about being on the asexual spectrum. Asexuality, like autism and gender, is on a spectrum. My partner is demisexual. That means that he is attracted to people based on their personality first and physically second. He also doesn’t always want sex at the same rate I do. He prefers watching back-to-back reruns of Waking the Dead. I used to not get asexuality. I now have learned a lot more about it, since more than one of my friends are.

Leanne Yau then spoke about being polyamorous and autistic. This is a thing my partner and I have discussed openly, especially since he is demisexual. We are currently not in any relationships outside of each other, but he has been incredibly supportive towards me seeking sex and even relationships outside of the boundaries of what’s usual. He believes monogamy is for birds (the ones with feathers) and neurotypicals, and he’s neither.

I’m also, like Leanne, good at admin, which would help.

With autistic queer friends, as part of my chosen family, I’ve found that the line does get blurry between strictly platonic relationships, sexual ones without romance and ones with both. That’s ok – as long as my partner and (potentially) their partner(s) are aware and enthusiastically consent to it, that’s all good. What matters, again, is clear verbalised enthusiastic consent and the necessity to speak openly about feelings.

Marianthi Kourti I met at Autscape and have stayed tangentially in touch with. Their talk is fantastic, rigorously researched and wonderfully expressed. I’m not going to spoil too much – though their statement that gender is a neurotypical concept is genius. Yes, yes it is.

Sarah Hendrickx – I couldn’t access the video, because I have a site blocker on my computer. Shame, because over 10 years ago I was doing stand-up comedy in Brighton with Sarah. I’d love to catch up and tell her that conversations with her have meant an awful lot to me and were part of me finding myself.

Kate Reynolds – Same problem as with Sarah Hendrickx, though I did not do comedy with Kate Reynolds.

Mel Gadd spoke about masturbation and how to address that with autistic and learning disabled young people. I was a bit concerned that she didn’t really distinguish between autistics with learning disabilities, people with learning disabilities who aren’t autistic and autistics without generalised learning disabilities – but that’s another story. I was surprised by how frank she was about it. It taught me a lot about how autistic people need clarity.

I’ve loved Robyn Steward since I heard her on the amazing and much-missed 1800 Seconds on Autism podcast. Her story about her late coming-out was inspirational and made me feel seen. Have a watch, though she outlines clear and necessary trigger warnings.

Carly Jones, who became a mother at an age where most people are doing their GCSEs, has hands-on experience with autistic young women who desperately want to become a mother. This is not in my lived experience, but absolutely vital. Autistic young women grow a society that seems to value them only for their capacity to breed, so they lean in, as it were.

Michael Barton’s talk was more focused on friendship, a vital part of being human, though not so much focused on sex and sexuality as the others. Still, Michael is an invigorating speaker and I enjoyed listening to him, while taking my chaste, chaste bath.

Laura Kate Dale – Amazing talk. I love Laura’s work on youtube on video games and accessibility and adored her memoir Uncomfortable Labels. But the most joyful part of her talk was about autistic-autistic relationship. She is worth the price of admission alone.

Eva Mendes is an American relationship counsellor. This was, in my view, the weakest of the events. Not because she or her interviewer didn’t care, but because the language used was frequently dehumanising and focused on autistic deficits. That’s sad, but understandable, them both being neurotypical and working in the USA. They didn’t mean to belittle the autistic experience, since it’s just the discursive field they’re locked into. It’s shocking to see the difference in discourse and self-identity between the UK and US in the autism field. Hopefully, next year, there will be even more actually autistic voices as part of the conference. The difference is obvious when neurotypicals speak about us, rather than have us speak for ourselves.

Luke Beardon I’ve seen before, he is always invigorating and gives me hope for a less shitty future. His cat was being a cat in the time of Covid (jumping on the laptop and demanding attention). It’s important to keep on pushing what’s possible in the field of autistic thriving, even in the face of a world that doesn’t consider us people. Sex education is a vital part of that.

Last, there was a panel discussion on autism in different parts of the (English-speaking) world. Their discussion of toxic friendships was highly useful and raised by several members of the panel. I certainly have had friends that were over-reliant on me to meet their basic needs. Though, when I was unwell, I was also difficult to be around. I hope to discuss that in the sexuality and gender workshops I’m thinking of creating (more on that later!).

If you haven’t seen the Jessica Kingsley ‘Connected by Autism’ 2022 conference, once again, here is the link: https://connectedbyautism.thinkific.com/ I heartily recommend it, whether you’re in the bath or not.

What can I provide?

After having been asked about creating training materials on gender and sexuality by a friend who works in a school that educates our community, I’ve been thinking about ways that I can provide something beyond what these incredible speakers already have on offer.

Self-disgust

An issue I have seen very few people talk about around sex education is the idea of “not deserving” sex. What do I mean here? As autistic people, we are routinely dehumanised and desexualised. The stereotype of autistic people is that we’re cis, asexual, aromantic and that sex with us is both ridiculous and disgusting (see my series on Autistic Coding on Stage for that).

So, like me, you might grow up believing that anyone being physically attracted to you is either:
a. criminally insane or
b. lying and pretending they’re attracted to you out of cruelty, pity or both, or
c. all of the above.

You’re not. You’re beautiful and as worthy of love and physical affection as anyone else. No more, no less. You’re not disgusting, you’re not evil, you’re not fundamentally broken.

As far as I know, trauma-informed approaches to sexuality are still in their infancy for autistic people. It’s something I definitely would love to help out with if anyone’s looking to work on a study of some kind, or to develop therapeutic materials.

As Laura Kate Dale said, the joy in having an autistic relationship is being comfortable with one another, potentially in the same room, not necessarily doing the same thing and still feeling safe.

It took me until I was nearly thirty to understand that I was not fundamentally disgusting to other human beings.

How Would I Teach Sex-Education

Sex education was discussed by many of the speakers present and it’s really evident that things need to change, drastically, from the inside out. I believe that autistic people need appropriate sex education that is explicit, safe, validating and consent-driven. Preferably by someone close to their age, someone who is definitely not a teacher. Mentors would be ideal sex educators, since we are already working closely with autistic mentees. Obviously, the vetting would be rigorous and frequent. They will be supported by a team of people who are conscientious and experienced in dealing with students’ sometimes triggering disclosures.

Since the majority of autistic people are queer and gender non-conforming, cishet sexual intercourse (the only aspect of sexuality often taught in general provision) will have to take a backseat, as it were. As a cisgay man with NB tendencies, I will be able to talk in depth about that, as well as having read a lot and having worked with transmale and trans nonbinary people. I’d also be able to speak about kink, BDSM, toys and keeping safe. Preferably, there would be someone else to be more specific on AFAB anatomy and we’d both need to read up on asexuality and intersex identities.

We’d be working with young people in a safe environment, where the rules are very clear: no touching, no nudity, same behaviour as in a normal school/college day, even though the environment would be an autistic-only safe space. However, there would be opportunities for asking questions. We would have the freedom to say ‘no’ if questions made us uncomfortable. That can be used as practice for the consent-approach. Trauma-informed sex education is something that is absolutely vital and many autistic people would benefit greatly from it.

As Erin Ekins said, it’s difficult to figure out who we are and what/who we like, if we like anything sexual at all. It can take us years. It did for us. It’s ok for autistic young people (and adults) to have the same freedoms that neurotypicals deserve when it comes to discovering our sexuality, gender identity and whether we want sex to have a place in our lives to begin with.

Structure

We’d start by having a plenary conversation about sex, gender and sexuality. This would obviously be scaled up in complexity the older the students are. I would clearly outline the rules for the day, that we are respectful towards each other’s needs and value each other’s sensory and emotional needs. If students have had negative experiences with sex already (unfortunately, considering how little our lives are valued, that will be relatively common) and has trauma surrounding its discussion, they are free to not be a part of this, or simply leave the room if they do not wish to disclose, which is very understandable. These students will probably need therapy for post-traumatic stress before they can engage with sexuality in a healthy way (I say probably because I’m not a clinician).

We will discuss general housekeeping, then start talking through queer identities and sexual safety, though with the focus on wellbeing and validation, rather than imposing rules and ‘do not’s on the students. Consent is vital, so there will be exercises exploring touch, language and consenting to either or both. It will be useful for the students to think about what and how they share information that’s personal to them in a validating way that won’t cause them embarrassment. There’ll also be discussions of boundaries and safe words.

We will discuss love, friendship and the spectrum of friendships from platonic to romantic and back. We will discuss the necessity of mutual consent and for relationships to be beneficial to both parties, at all times.

As stated by the speakers, we will be direct and explicit. Matter-of-fact but not bland. We will discuss anatomies, including intersex ones. We will discuss sizes (that there is no ‘right’ size), the differences and similarities of AFAB and AMAB bodies (we’re all built from the same plan and the clitoris and penis are fundamentally the same organ) and puberty, including discussions on the risks of puberty for transpeople and the existence of blockers. We will not seek to push students any which way, though we will discuss the current culture wars against transpeople and the role blockers have come to play (really, they have one purpose: buying time. That, and HRT is available for free to women in the menopause or men losing their hair. There’s a huge mismatch there).

Towards the end of the first day I would ask students to write poetry, make art and music that describes sexuality for them. In my novel Teeming, there are scenes that depict autistic consensual sex in a validating way, but I can hardly share all of that. Instead I’ll share this poem I wrote back in 2019 for a very dear friend, who is still part of my autistic chosen family.

Tryst – for Christopher

A syntax of skintags
Shark marks on your shoulders
Make curves into lines
As we hold

Your mouth still unopened
Fills up with white horses
While mine fills with song
As we hold

We drink of each other
Magnolia-tongued
Our blood flows collide
As we hold

I echo, you fray. We;
A crest of a wave

We hide from the tides.
We hold.

Ok, back to reality. (cut to: gif of wave crashing and 1980s adult film soundtracks)

Apart from being #absolutelyfilthy and refer to a time when I ate a magnolia blossom straight from the tree, like a giraffe (to make Chris laugh), this poem should show that autistic people can be at least competent at making art about sex. Sex, for autistics, should be relevant to our interests, our sensory worlds and our focus. That’s the first day.

Day 2 is more about kink, relationships and paraphilias. While we won’t encourage or discourage students to participate in anything at all, we will outline the existence of various kinks and the legal age limits for these activities, if they have them. We will talk about protection, both physically and emotionally and the utility of getting vaccinated with the HPV and the Hep B & Hep C vaccines. We’ll talk about HIV, STIs and the vagaries of queer communities, online and off. We will also discuss parasocial relationships and potential economic, emotional and physical abuse, though we will also focus on the safe parts of them, such as fandoms and (healthy) fanfiction.

Grindr is a big no-no for anyone under 18, though it’s important to stay safe even over 18. If you choose to not share pictures, you are less likely to be seen as legitimate, even potentially dangerous. If you do share pictures, those can be used against you. I am always open about the fact I’m autistic and specify that I prefer to be with other autistic people.

Having sex with neurotypicals is exhausting. I’m sorry NTs but it is. I feel like I’m having to cook a 6 course meal blindfolded, ears and nose plugged tight. I am working constantly in order to read their body language, but they usually don’t specify what they want or how they want it. I am masking so much, when what I really want is to let go.

We will also talk about porn, which, as a recovering addict, I can talk about with lived experience. I can also talk about the moment I realised I was using it to self-harm, as a stick to beat myself into action with. For me, it also has to do with trauma, which is particular to me but also common across the autistic spectrum. Autistic AFAB people are particularly at risk of sexual and relational abuse, even from a young age and porn can impact that.

However, let’s be real, most people will have seen a good share of pornography in their lives far before the law says they really should. We have to address that, as well as the underlying economic exploitation that Pornhub and other platforms place onto creators who are unable to make a living from their work. Nota Bene: sexwork and pornography isn’t inherently exploitative – Pornhub is. The internet on the whole is locking directors, actors and artists out of sustainably creating the work they care about.

For young autistic people, as discussed by Mel Gadd, Luke Beardon and Erin Ekins, sexuality needs to be discussed openly, without shame and (I’d add) validating for the autistic young person. They are not disgusting, neither are they to be taken advantage of. Sex needs to be a source of strength, an addition to a healthy social life and bodily health, never a detriment.

Then there’s the issue of “well, what about everyone else?” Good point. Currently, no-one is receiving appropriate and validating sex education in school. Most neurotypicals will pick it up though, from friends sharing materials and experiences. Queer people in general and autistic queers in particular would be shut out from those conversations. We don’t work well with nudge-nudge euphemisms and evasive language either. Instead we need clear, explicit language and evidence of what to actually do – so people don’t end up hurting themselves. This evidence should be made accessible but not intentionally titillating and 100% safe.

As stated before, certain rules will apply. Showing porn is off-limits to anyone under 18. Sexting (sharing nudes) is illegal online and off, under the age 18 and not a good idea on the whole over 18. It’s important young people know that, not just autistics. Many don’t and are therefore liable for legal persecution, even if the imagery they share is of themselves.

Yet Gadd discussed sex toys not falling under legal regulations – therefore, since they will be able to access them freely, young people need to know the difference between safe and unsafe products and uses. What lube is best? How do you not overspend or under-invest? What kind of behaviour is safe, sane and sensible? Where is the “edge” and what should be off-limits, even in the kink scene. Which leads us to…

Confidence, kink and Radicalisation?

One thing I’ve massively valued about being out autistic and dating fellow autistic queers is the joy of clear, verbalised consent. I can be honest about losing confidence, when I’m in the middle of something and suddenly my heart is no longer in it. That is not related to erectile dysfunction, more to trauma. There’s certain things I cannot stand in sex: choking, references to childhood trauma and the Dutch language. That’s not a joke – I have never and will never have sex in Dutch. The language is triggering. No-one’s fault, it just is.

When I am triggered, I lose confidence. If someone doesn’t enjoy what I’m doing, I can lose confidence to the point of meltdown. One of my triggers is accidentally upsetting someone by something I’m doing or saying. I then feel like I am abusing someone, just by existing close to them – this is internalised trauma, I’ve been told by professionals. Something (or things) in my life taught me that me existing is inherently abusive so I’ve internalised that. I can’t be the only one, since our society doesn’t value our lives at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the reason that so many autistics have found themselves in the kink scene, where clear, verbalised, enthusiastic consent is vital.

A frank discussion of different kinks and paraphilias should follow, from furries to classic BDSM. There also need to be clear discussions of boundaries – including for future solo-play – particularly with a cohort of young people more likely to self-harm. Personally, I own a pinwheel which I mostly use for sensory purposes and to relax non-sexually.

There’s also the overlap between stimming, sensory play, kink and sex. Stimming together and sex are in a Venn diagram. I have had sex with people where most of what we did was related to our sensory profiles rather than penetration of orifices and jizz, y’know, what most people associate with sex.

Tickling, hugging and cuddling, as well as other not-obviously sexual physical contact is another way to strengthen relationships. My partner and I often do ‘hand-hugs’, which is to interlink our fingers together and hold. It’s a very personal way that we express our love for each other.

Purrrrrposes?

It’s important that young people are aware that they can and should experiment in safe, appropriate ways. Abstinence-only approaches only lead to young people becoming more vulnerable to abuse. I think there’s even a great amount to be learned in preventing radicalisation if young autistic AMAB (assigned male at birth) people are able to work out sexuality and gender safely. One of the things that radicalisers prey on is sexual frustration. It’s awkward to discuss, but a healthy understanding of sex, gender and their place on those spectra could keep autistics away from frightening politics – such as “Incels” or the far-right in general. It is easy to radicalise a young male-presenting person by saying that sex is out of their league.

I had zero sexual contact with anyone until I was 23, and even that was accidental and mostly out of a sense of terrified obligation. To who? To myself, to heteronormativity. To the Mask (not the film) I was building at the time. To the personality I felt I could craft, while in reality pining for men my age and knowing I was going to die a virgin.

If I had been able to discuss my sexual feelings in a way that didn’t make me feel like I deserved to die, that may have made me less likely to crumble in my teens and twenties. Suicide is a huge problem in our community. As you know, I’ve come close a few times.

Being safe in your sexuality while being autistic is a luxury. Like exercise, it’s a form of preventative healthcare that I am actively trying to improve for our community. The longer we have to live with internalised hatred and disgust about our sexuality, gender identity and, well, who we are, the less likely we are to fall into depression.

We will not advocate for people just to have sex with each other. No-one has to try anything – let alone everything. We will answer questions on when it is safe to consent (from 16) and how to receive consent. We will also talk about differences in power, that both parties have to be able to give and receive enthusiastic consent. We will discuss how experimentation is normal, but fraught with complications. Sex is more complicated than anything they will have done before. And, if they want nothing to do with it – that is another part of their identity that deserves celebrating, though with an understanding of the difficulties of being ace or demisexual.

The second day will end with a round-up of discussion topics and a plan to have a check-in after 3-6 months to see if people have questions. Some people may want to share these topics with others, for others still it’s far more personal and they wish to disclose to one or two people alone. We will finish with sharing the art that people have made, be that songs, poetry or visual art and give out literature,. We will also share book lists to dig in to if they are interested to learn more.

Safeguarding

As sex educators, we will have to be wary of disclosures that are made during or after the sessions by young people about traumatic events, past and ongoing. We will have to raise those, taking them absolutely seriously. Autistic people have gotten used to not being believed and many simply do not disclose out of fear. We may have to advocate for them, potentially with the welfare team and probably too the police (if it comes to that) that autistic people are actually able to report sexually inappropriate behaviour. That we should be believed, rather than dismissed. I’d rather work extra to do what’s right for someone – even if their disclosure can be resolved amicably – than to let one person slip through the net and suffer continued abuse.

What shouldn’t happen is that the legislation in place to protect young people is twisted and ends up harming the communities it’s purportedly intending to serve. In the UK, the so-called ‘Prevent’ duty comes to mind, a piece of legislation that says it seeks to reduce harm by limiting radicalisation efforts but instead used as a tool for racism. We cannot let that happen.

The current legislation around consent is complicated. Our autism is still seen as “an impairment of [the] mind.” This can be used to mean that no autistic person can give consent or receive consent. I think the more likely situation, looking at the society in which we live, is that judges would err on the side that autistic people may be able to give consent, but could never receive it, due to our mind impairment. This would render all sexual activity on our part rape. If consent is defined based on intuition and body language, then we are legally inhibited from receiving consent. Think about what that means for a second. We’ll have to find other ways to be safe.

Capacity, consent and sexual relations – the Supreme Court decides

This topic is fascinating and I will return to it. It’s important to view ableism where it affects us directly, especially from people who say they wish to protect us or act with the stated intention of protecting others from us.

My sex education work would place enthusiastic, verbalised, mutual consent at the heart of the conversation. Neither party should feel they do not deserve sex, or that they are forced to give it. Sex is only fun when both (or more) parties enthusiastically agree to what they are going to do. The kink scene has a lot to teach us.

And the staff?

If I’m asked to give trainings on Gender and Sexuality for non-autistic staff, most of what I state in this blog will return, I will show my plans for sex education training, as provided by other autistic people. Most of what I’ll say will boil down to one point: everything about the current practice of sex education is wrong. Awkwardness about talking about sex with autistic people is ableism – since it implies that you don’t feel comfortable with us having a sexuality at all. Awkwardness about talking about sex at all with us implies either deep-seated trauma (including religious trauma) or bigotry against queer people. If that is something you struggle with, then you may not be right to work with autistic people.

It sounds harsh, but your lack of comfort is less important than our safety. It’s not pretty, but your awkwardness is putting people at genuine risk. Work through it before endangering us.

Conclusion

I hope that, one day, I will be able to put these ideas into practice and support other autistic mentors doing the exact same thing. Really, figuring out who we are and accepting how we’re different is vital preventative healthcare. It isn’t fancy, it may include frankly explaining that you don’t blow someone like you would a clarinet or eating someone out doesn’t involve a knife and fork. It may even include saying that you do (or do not) enjoy sex yourselves. That includes anal.

And with that, I’ll bid you goodbye for this week. If I have time, I’ll write my first part of the ‘Autistic and on Holiday’ duology for Monday – I’ll be on holiday myself April 4th-11th. It’s going to be amazing.

Love you all,

Jorik