Monday 8th May 2023: What’s Happening to my Body? #7386

Hi everyone,

So, here’s the thing. I’m back in burnout land. It’s not a nice place. I’m not sure what’s going on or what caused it. But here it is. I’m burned out again. You’ll notice I’m oversharing in this blog because, well; burned out, I guess!

I do know that, once again, I didn’t see it coming. I had to take time off last month because exercise and a diet did a number on me. I had d******** for over a week. (You see, I censored myself there, so I didn’t have to type the word diarrhoea and inevitably misspell it. Oh no. I just did. That’s that joke done for, thanks autocorrect!).

Today, I have 6 hours of mentoring to do. I look forward to that, since my mentees always give me energy, rather than take it away. Tomorrow, I’ll be in London all day. I’ll be giving an autism training to Phoenix School, near Bow Road, in East London. It’s close to where I did two days of work back in January. If you’re around, I’d love to meet you in London to catch up.

However, I’m still not 100%. This morning, after having taken off half of Thursday and all of Friday, most of Saturday and much of Sunday, I’m still not there. The house is still a mess, despite me making several failed attempts at getting it clean. The washing has been done, but I hadn’t managed to get the folding done and upstairs from the weekend previous. I couldn’t see the warning signs.

It was ten days ago, at AutWell, the autistic wellbeing group that I facilitate, that Joe, who runs it with me, asked me if I was burned out. I didn’t realise, but I was. I did the Pride event (which was a huge success, thanks to everybody who came!), then we went out in Bristol. The next day was a day off. I ended up still doing work. Tuesday and Wednesday were also non-stop. My partner was having a really tough time with work, his CELTA course and anxiety. That didn’t make my own situation any easier. I relapsed again, overeating and dissociating. I have had way worse dissociations, but this one was the first on the higher levels of sertraline. I needed rest. No excuses. I would do one meeting, teach one lesson and see the dental hygienist. The rest of the week was to be spent in bed.

The weeks leading up to the Pride event, had been so intense already. I was doing a lot of extra work, mostly making sure that there would be money to get us through the summer of me writing full-time without having to open an Onlyfans. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I want to spend my summer writing, not video-editing my own dick. No shade on those who do – I am just going to be too busy.

There’s also the medication issue. I’ve been trying to get by on 150 mg sertraline. Yes it’s stopped me having serious meltdowns, but I do appear to have less energy overall. Maybe I always did, but I just was blind to my own lack of spoons. This morning, I worked out but had to tap out after 25 minutes out of 40. I’m trying not to beat myself up for neglecting my health and just getting fat again.

I know logically that I’m not – my body hasn’t really changed at all since 2020 when I gained a bit of weight back during the pandemic. I’m still probably around 90 kg, which is 14 stone and a bit, if you’re imperially inclined (I’m not. Get over it. Use metric. It’s better. Deal with it!). If anything, I’ve probably lost fat and gained muscle. But that doesn’t matter much to me if I’m not able to keep up with that on a daily basis. It’s the loss of habit that disturbs me most, I think.

It’s that weird thing about time, that it stretches and squishes. I’ve spoken about how autistic people experience time. It’s fascinating to me. We are desperate for habits to form that we don’t have yet and to break out of those we do – sometimes because we are told we shouldn’t, often because we desire them to change. Shifting hyperfocus is just as much a feature ADHD as it is autism. In fact – wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. I need talk about burnout, not ADHD.

Yesterday, my partner was teasing me and I do what he wants me to do: rush him upstairs to tickle him. I had turned off all the lights to increase the level of fear that he’s looking for. When I went in for the tickle, I hit my head on my knee. It took a while for me to start feeling it. I probably have a (very minor) concussion. The first thing that happened was that I got quite sad. My partner and I had a conversation where I just expressed me feeling relatively miserable and lonely, much like I used to . The headache came later, as did the dizziness. I didn’t have the rush of adrenaline that I’ve had before when hitting my head. Instead the pain came slowly, like an air bubble slowly increasing in my left dorsal hemisphere (which is odd, because the brain doesn’t have any pain receptors on its own, but that’s by the by). When I realised what was happening to me, I got it. I was back to my usual self and all was fine.

Today, like the previous few weeks, I still can’t work out. I need to retain energy. I’m just grateful that I have the awareness of my body telling me to stop. I don’t like that it tells me to stop, but it needs to. I, in turn, need to honour that. I even told someone today that resting is a revolutionary act. But I do always state clearly that I’m a flagrant hypocrite when it comes to rest. I am great at telling people to do it, but actually doing it mysef?

Speaking to my mentees today, all of them struggle with exactly this, especially since the academic year is drawing to a close. This is where burnout hits hardest: the final furloughs toward the finish line. I have a terrible habit of burning out just before I finish something. Only by continuing to take good care of myself and resting up can I bring a project to a close and then crash.

The worst is, all of us are absolute hypocrites at this. We will cross the ocean on a concrete raft to make someone else’s life 0.1% easier. But when we have to treat ourselves better, that’s out of the window. Every autistic person I’ve ever met has been like that. If we weren’t, something will have gone terribly wrong for us that day, that week or that lifetime. We need to recognise that this discrepancy between what we wish for others and for ourselves are off whack. Neurotypicals apparently need to be told “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If we took that advice, there would be blood in the streets.

In short: treat yourself with the kindness that you give to other people. That’s the hardest lesson of all. You’ll feel like a failure, you’ll feel like shit. But you’ve done more than nothing. Take rest. Your body doesn’t lie.

Looking back at the last few days, I have written two daybook entries in a row for the first time in months. Yesterday, my partner and I went to a free concert. I’ve done 6 hours of work. I’ve managed to write this blog, too! Tiny bits of strength, alongside lots of resting. That’s how I’ll get out of this burnout. And you will get out of yours.

I’m looking forward with excitement and some trepidation to mid-June when I’ll finally be a full-time writer. For a bit. There will be no blogs in that time, but there will be two books by the end of it. Then: researcher-time! There will be (at least) three research papers to write. I’ll be academia-boy for a while. Then, touring the book(s) and writing more. I can see this all come together. As long as I don’t force myself and let it flow. I can’t be creative without rest, money and time. I tell others all the time. I should do the same. Practice what you preach.

xxx

Jorik